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Hey my little one, I’m sorry for being a jerk today.
It was one of those days where the baby’s teething and wants to be held and you wanted to play and have mama’s time today, too.
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I tried so hard to keep myself together. I was really, really, trying.
And – well – all I really wanted was 5 minutes to myself today.
5 minutes to think my own thoughts – not about changing diapers and housework and dinner.
So when you started melting down, I went right down with you.
And, I’m sorry.
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I could come up with a million excuses, but none of them matter. Because I’m the mom.
I’m supposed to be the calm in your storm, the safe harbor that you can collapse into – and today, I wasn’t.
Today, I was the winds fanning your flame to higher and higher peaks.
Instead of being your safe harbor, I was the reflection back to you of the storm of emotions you must have been feeling inside.
And I’m so so sorry for that.
It’s not the mom I want to be. It’s not the mom you need me to be.
Today, I didn’t get it right.
Thank you for forgiving me anyway.
Thank you for loving me even in those unlovable moments.
Thank you for showing me a graciousness that I didn’t deserve.
I’m supposed to be the one helping you.
Yet here you are, showing me the places that I need to work on inside myself.
And still giving me the love and forgiveness when I’m not where I should be yet.
Honestly, your graciousness makes me understand the beauty of the love you have for me.
I never would have known that outside of motherhood. It’s taught me so much about love and life.
It’s showed me things about myself I never would have known – good things and strengths I never would have discovered; and areas I struggle with that I’m going to work on.
Parenting you means it’s my job to make you feel safe and loved and accepted, not having a meltdown right along with you.
That must have been so scary for you. And I’m sorry.
Tomorrow I’ll try again, and I hope you’ll forgive me if I still don’t quite get it right.
Even though I’m your mama, I’m still learning, too.
But I hope you know that loving you makes me want to do better, try harder, and get it right next time.
Because you deserve all of that and more, my sweet one.
You deserve the very best I can give every day – and yet I know I’ll fall short most days (maybe even every day).
I won’t give up, though.
Each day I’ll get up and try my hardest to be that mama for you.
Please just keep forgiving me when I don’t quite make it.
And I’ll do the same for you – because I know you’re trying your hardest too.
Tomorrow we’ll both try again, and maybe we’ll do a little bit better.
But even if tomorrow is another hard day, we’ll make it through.
This is life, my little one. We’re always learning and growing and sometimes that’s going to be hard.
Even for your mother.
I hope that, through it all, home (and I) will be your safe harbor even though I don’t always get it right.
I hope that, in the big scheme of things, you know how much I love you, even when we’re in our toughest moments together.
I hope that the things I get right outweigh the ones I get wrong.
And I hope you know that mama tries – I always try for you.
So, as we always say to each other, “tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.”
And we’ll both try again.