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The Best Cosleepers for Attachment Parenting SleepShe’s going to be a big sister.
We’ve talked about it for months now, and I can see the excitement in her eyes thinking about the baby who’s coming soon.
But there’s also fear.
She feels it, I feel it.
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Things are going to change – a lot.
What will life look like when he gets here? When he’s no longer an idea growing in my belly but an actual baby who needs mama.
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She’s been excited from the start about having a new baby. Someone she can take care of and love.
Every morning she gives my belly a hug and kiss and says good morning to the baby and asks how he slept.
But there have been some disappointments too. I remember when they told us it was a boy and she cried and begged for it to be a sister.
My heart broke for her in that moment when she looked at me with such sadness, wanting me to make it better, to somehow change him to a girl.
It was one of the first times when I couldn’t make it better. All I could do was hold her as she cried asking me over and over to make him a sister.
The closer we get to meeting him the more I cherish these last times of it just being the two of us.
Laying together in the quiet of the afternoon as she drifts off to sleep.
Giving all of my attention to her.
Pouring as much love into her as I can. Will it be enough?
Will she be able to share me with someone new – someone who will need so much of my love and attention?
I know that once he’s born she’s going to look so big, so grown up. And, in a lot of ways, she’ll need to grow up.
To throw off some of the babyness that she still carries and take on more independence.
I know this and I know she can do it, but I’ll miss my baby.
She’s the one who made me a mom. The one who gave me the grace to make the mistakes of not knowing how to do this mom thing right away. She and I learned and grew together.
She’s the one who gave me the confidence to trust my instincts and the fierceness of mother love. She’s the one who helped me believe that I could do this all over again and that I could mother both of them well.
And sometimes, when I look at her, I still see that little baby I brought home from the hospital.
And other times I see the little girl that she’s growing into and I ache for those baby days that are behind us. To find a way to bottle them up and crack it open when I need a dose of those little arms clinging to my neck or those sweet baby giggles of pure joy from my first baby.
Because all of her firsts were mine too.
Realizing that what’s left of those baby days are quickly coming to an end makes me want to hold on to every moment we have left and just savor them.
To somehow find a way to stretch out these last few days, however many there are before he comes.
Because all of a sudden being a mom of two is becoming more real and I know I can’t turn back the clock.
Each day brings us closer to the end of her being the only one.
It feels like I haven’t been able to soak up my time with just her yet. Like I haven’t fully appreciated our times together, just us.
But I know that, no matter how much time I had, it would still feel that way.
And while she’ll seem so big compared to the baby, I need to remember that she’s still little too and she still needs me.
Even though she’s going to be a big sister, that doesn’t mean she’s ready to be all the way big yet. And I’m so glad of that.
We’ll have to get in a new groove and find ways to connect in new and different ways – big girl ways and baby ways too.
I’ll need to find a way to balance the needs of a new baby and her needs. Because going from the only to a big sister is going to be hard, and she’s going to need me to help her navigate this new family life.
But, for today, I’m going to focus on loving these precious moments that we have left together, just us.
I’ll look forward to the future of becoming a family of four while cherishing the memories of what was before, back when she was the only one.
Because I know that she’s going to be an absolutely AMAZING big sister.